Stalling Optimism

For the first time since beginning this journey, I felt like I can't do this...

I ran Color Me Rad yesterday with my sister and had a blast.  But, I also felt pathetic because I have been training for a month and a half.  My sister hasn't gone for a single run in over a year and she ran the whole freaking thing!  I'm very proud of her, but I feel ridiculous personally.  At the top of the second steep hill, I had to stop and walk for about 0.05 of a mile because my knee was bothering me.  I was the one to stop!  She has always been a better runner/athlete than me, but I was hoping I would have some advantage this time.

There was also a discussion among the family about how crazy it is to run a marathon.  About how the human body isn't meant to go that far and pushing the limits isn't the best choice.  I argued that there are many ultra-marathoners out there who run 50-150+ mile races and their training runs include marathons.  That sort of ended the conversation, but I can't help but feel like some of the people I care about don't think that I can or should do this.

I began looking into other races last night.  I'd like to do a 10k in August and a 1/2 marathon in October(ish) before I really dive into my marathon training schedule.  I found some cool ones, but they are spendy and hilly.  After what I perceive as an epic hills fail yesterday (even though I ran up both and only stopped briefly after the second), I am scared of races with hills.  Am I capable of succeeding?  Am I ok with just finishing or do I want to have a good time?  Is it even worth it to try?

The thing is, I want so badly to do this, but what if I can't?  My whole life, I've wanted nothing more than to have a family, but right now, I want to put that dream on hold because if I don't do my marathon now, I'm afraid I will never do it.  But what if I put my family on hold and fail at my marathon?  What was the point in waiting or even trying?  I'm trying to be optimistic and telling myself I can do this, but it's hard and I'm scared.  I feel like I should be farther and making more progress than I am.  I'm frustrated by the slowness.  I know that I've been dealing with a knee injury and I'm taking measures to fix it.

While feeling down and doubting my ability to do this, I realized that sitting on the couch wouldn't help.  So I ran.  I ran until I was crying.  Then I ran until I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe.  So I stopped and cried.  Walked and cried.  And ran a tiny bit more until my knee hurt too bad and the tears stopped.  When I got home I asked my husband if he thought I could actually do this and he said of course.  If he believes in me, then I think I can do this.  I just want to be good at something that average people aren't.  I know that is weird and a bit selfish, but I am tired of always being so average and normal, never standing out, always blending in.  Even now, I am so emotional about this new passion that I have tears in my eyes, afraid that this is just something else I will try for a short period of time, fail at, and give up altogether.  But this time, it feels different, because it is something I still want so much to succeed at.  I don't know if I've ever wanted to succeed at something so badly.  I read an article yesterday in Runner's World and this quote resonated with me: "Failure is not falling down.  Failure is not getting back up."  So I will keep going.  And if I fall, I will get back up.  And I will never know my limits if I don't push them.  And "sometimes you just do things."  And I'm just going to run and see what happens.

-Ashley