Attitude is Everything

It's been a while since I've posted, so here's an update.  Life is busy, as always.  I've been running, but have backed off on my intensity.  My knee is doing well and I have been working hard to strengthen it, but I think that my injury was due to overuse and pushing myself too far, too fast.  I still have plenty of time to be ready for my marathon next spring.  I also realized that even if I'm not ready by next spring, I can pick a different marathon if I need to.  I know things happen and who knows what life will throw at me.  The important thing is that I'm not going to give up or stop running.  I'm going to go at my own pace and see what happens.  I've been too focused on comparing myself to others.  I keep thinking that I'm too slow or I'm not running far enough, but I am finally realizing that it doesn't matter.  The most important part is that I'm DOING something to change my life.  I'm tired of starting over, so I'm not going to get frustrated and quit.  That has happened too many times before and I'm not going to let it happen again.  I have also added other types of exercise now that I am on vacation.  Nick and I hiked the dunes a few days ago and last night we went swimming.  I enjoy the variation, but I still totally love running.  I have good days and not so good days, just like everyone else, but I'm learning that it is all about attitude.  If I tell myself that I don't want to run and it's going to suck, guess what...it's going to suck.  However, if I tell myself I love running (even if I'm feeling lazy and really don't want to go), then that attitude convinces me to run hard and to enjoy it.  It is amazing what positive thinking can do!

I am facing a new challenge.  We are going on vacation to Utah and Colorado, which means HOT weather and altitude. For those of you who don't know me, I don't really enjoy hot weather.  I love Oregon coast weather.  It rarely hits 70 and there is always a nice breeze (or heavy wind).  I don't want to skip all of my runs while we're on vacation, but I'm anxious about the heat and altitude.  I fear that even early morning runs will be hotter than I prefer.  I guess that it won't kill me, but will only make me stronger.  I'll bring my running belt with water bottles and keep reminding myself that running will be more difficult due to the altitude.  If I need to walk, I'll do that instead.  There is no need to make myself sick.  We will be hanging out with active people, so I'll still get exercise.  It will be quite the adventure, wish me luck!

Cheers,
Ashley

Stalling Optimism

For the first time since beginning this journey, I felt like I can't do this...

I ran Color Me Rad yesterday with my sister and had a blast.  But, I also felt pathetic because I have been training for a month and a half.  My sister hasn't gone for a single run in over a year and she ran the whole freaking thing!  I'm very proud of her, but I feel ridiculous personally.  At the top of the second steep hill, I had to stop and walk for about 0.05 of a mile because my knee was bothering me.  I was the one to stop!  She has always been a better runner/athlete than me, but I was hoping I would have some advantage this time.

There was also a discussion among the family about how crazy it is to run a marathon.  About how the human body isn't meant to go that far and pushing the limits isn't the best choice.  I argued that there are many ultra-marathoners out there who run 50-150+ mile races and their training runs include marathons.  That sort of ended the conversation, but I can't help but feel like some of the people I care about don't think that I can or should do this.

I began looking into other races last night.  I'd like to do a 10k in August and a 1/2 marathon in October(ish) before I really dive into my marathon training schedule.  I found some cool ones, but they are spendy and hilly.  After what I perceive as an epic hills fail yesterday (even though I ran up both and only stopped briefly after the second), I am scared of races with hills.  Am I capable of succeeding?  Am I ok with just finishing or do I want to have a good time?  Is it even worth it to try?

The thing is, I want so badly to do this, but what if I can't?  My whole life, I've wanted nothing more than to have a family, but right now, I want to put that dream on hold because if I don't do my marathon now, I'm afraid I will never do it.  But what if I put my family on hold and fail at my marathon?  What was the point in waiting or even trying?  I'm trying to be optimistic and telling myself I can do this, but it's hard and I'm scared.  I feel like I should be farther and making more progress than I am.  I'm frustrated by the slowness.  I know that I've been dealing with a knee injury and I'm taking measures to fix it.

While feeling down and doubting my ability to do this, I realized that sitting on the couch wouldn't help.  So I ran.  I ran until I was crying.  Then I ran until I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe.  So I stopped and cried.  Walked and cried.  And ran a tiny bit more until my knee hurt too bad and the tears stopped.  When I got home I asked my husband if he thought I could actually do this and he said of course.  If he believes in me, then I think I can do this.  I just want to be good at something that average people aren't.  I know that is weird and a bit selfish, but I am tired of always being so average and normal, never standing out, always blending in.  Even now, I am so emotional about this new passion that I have tears in my eyes, afraid that this is just something else I will try for a short period of time, fail at, and give up altogether.  But this time, it feels different, because it is something I still want so much to succeed at.  I don't know if I've ever wanted to succeed at something so badly.  I read an article yesterday in Runner's World and this quote resonated with me: "Failure is not falling down.  Failure is not getting back up."  So I will keep going.  And if I fall, I will get back up.  And I will never know my limits if I don't push them.  And "sometimes you just do things."  And I'm just going to run and see what happens.

-Ashley