Oh God, What Am I Doing?!

I just finished watching Spirit of the Marathon, and I can't help thinking, "What the hell am I doing?!"  It just hit me all of a sudden: 26.2 MILES!!!  That is 4/10 of a mile FARTHER than my commute to work.  Holy cow!  It seems so unreachable right now and I'm feeling immensely overwhelmed.  The movie actually brought me to tears.  I think it is because I really want to do this, but I'm feeling like I can't.  I feel that I am not dedicated or strong enough.  I want, so badly, to do something incredible, something that most people can't do.  I want to be different.  I know that if I can run a marathon, I can do anything, but now I'm starting to have doubts.  This is the first time I've really been doubting myself.  I know I'm in this alone.  I don't have friends to run with.  Our small town doesn't really have any running clubs and the few people I know who run are a lot faster than I am and not crazy enough to run a marathon.  Can I really run 20 mile training runs by myself?

I'm still not giving up despite these overwhelming feelings.  I'm not going to think about the overall distance.  I'm going to take it one mile and one run at a time.  Sure, I'm not ready to run 26.2 miles yet, but I'm still working up to 5.  It will take time.  I have time.  I'm tired of giving up on things.  I'm not going to quit.  I'm going to stop thinking about how far a marathon actually is and how long it will take me to run it.  Rather, I'm going to remind myself of how much I love running, how it makes me feel about myself, and how it has changed me in the last few months since I started.  I'm going to banish the negative thoughts and focus on where I am and where I want to be.  "Marathon" is a lot less scary than "26.2 miles," so I'm not going to think about the miles.

-Ashley